Bad Days

Every day is not going to be a good day. That is hard and frustrating, but it is real. What you can't forget is that it is also manageable. When you have a rough day, week, month or even year, it can feel like everyone and everything is stacked against you. And that can feel overwhelming and scary. So I have a few reminders for you on those hard days.

1. You are not alone! There is ALWAYS someone willing to help and listen. If you can't find a listening ear in the friends or family members or adults around you, remember that you could always call or text the crisis line at 988.

2. Remember that the bad doesn't always last. Sadly, the good doesn't either. Life is never going to be all good or all bad, but staying open to the experience and curious about what is coming next is important. Think of it like a rollercoaster ride. You choose to get on the ride knowing that there are going to be thrilling up's and scary down's and unexpected twists and turns, but in the end, when you look back on it you enjoy the journey. Trying to approach life with that mindset can help.

3. Do more of what helps and less of what hurts. This can be a hard one to think about, but it is SO IMPORTANT! There are things that help you to feel better when you are having bad days. We don't always stop and do those things, but we can and we should. That might mean getting some extra sleep, listening to music, talking with friends, laughing, going for a walk, or eating a favorite meal. No matter what it is that tends to help you, when you're having those tough days, do more of those things. And, at the same time, avoid doing more of what hurts you. Don't scroll endlessly on social media or go down a rabbit hole focusing on those who have hurt you, don't numb out, don't watch, read or listen to upsetting stories for endless hours. By setting those limits, you better protect your heart and your mind.

Remember that I am here if you want to talk about life and how you're doing in this journey of all of the up's and down's.

Senior Mixed Emotions

For seniors this is such a time of mixed emotions for many different reasons.  The excitement about being in your final semester of high school battles the disbelief that high school has flown past.  The eagerness to be done with high school because you are ready to move on to whatever is next competes with the fears about what will come after high school.  The joy of college acceptances comes at the same time as the disappointment and sadness of deferrals and rejections.  None of it is easy!

Over the past few weeks as more and more early college admissions decisions have been arriving, I noticed that students will sometimes forget that others are around and start announcing where they were accepted and their feelings about different schools. 

When you have been accepted to a school, it is wonderful news and completely understandable that you want to shout it from the roof-tops, but it is also important to try to be sensitive to those around you and to remember that some of your friends and classmates are NOT being accepted into the very same colleges. 

While receiving a college rejection letter is hard, it is even more hurtful to hear someone else say something such as, "Oh, I was accepted to ___ (insert name of college) but I would never actually go there." Particularly if the school mentioned was the one where a student was recently rejected and had been their top choice college. 

So, go ahead and share your excitement, but please be sensitive to what you say about other schools and how you "rate" your own schools. No one school is perfect for every student and every student is not perfect for every school - it is important to find the right balance and I sincerely believe that every student will be able to find the college that is right for them.

Finding a way to balance the range of emotions you are experiencing as seniors is important. Sure, many of you are excited to graduate and be done with high school, but that also means the future, starting college, getting jobs, and being "adults" is just around the corner. I know that this is a time of high anxiety and remember, I am here to help support you! Please, do NOT sabotage yourself and your grades in your classes as a *solution* to not feeling ready to leave high school. Stop in and see me - let me know how you are feeling about high school coming to an end in just a few short months. I look forward to chatting with you soon!

Crisis Averted

I realize that a lot of students don't watch the news or only catch it in bits and pieces so I am not sure if you saw the story that came out this weekend about the planned school shooting in Indiana that was averted. The summary of the story is that a student planned to carry out a school shooting on Valentine's Day in Indiana at her high school. The threat was called into a school safety hotline and thankfully the crisis was averted because they were able to respond before the shooting happened.  But, this was only possible because someone spoke up and said something when they saw the warning signs.

It made me remember this video from Sandy Hook Promise. This video is a bit chilling... but it is short and I hope you will watch it before we continue the conversation.

What did you think?  I found it unsettling.  It is true though... we often see things up front and wonder if we should say something, if we should get involved, if we should trust our gut instinct, but then after the fact, it becomes easy to look back and think, "Oh yeah, I saw that" or "I knew this."  Unfortunately, as the video tried to explain, talking about it after the fact can be too late.  So, I think most of all, for me, this video served as a reminder that we ALL have a responsibility to try to help those around us who may be hurting, scared or contemplating violence and to help keep our school safe.  And it also makes me think about the fact that we all can make a difference!

So, here are the two most important reminders...

- If you hear someone making a threat or someone writing a threat, report it to an adult. (See something or hear something then SAY something!)

- Remember that any one warning sign may not mean that something is wrong, but if it doesn't feel right, then it is always better to reach out to an adult to try to make sure that they receive the support they need/ deserve.

What are warning signs of people at risk of hurting themselves or others?  These are just a few that people may observe:

• Fascination or obsession with firearms and/ or mass shootings
• Difficulty controlling anger or regulating emotions may appear as over-reactions or aggressive behavior for seemingly minor reasons
• Sudden change in academic performance, withdrawing from family or friends, and/or disinterest in areas that they used to enjoy
• Victims of bullying or feeling picked on or persecuted by others
• Isolation or social withdrawal
• Access to firearms
• Making threats of violence
• Feelings of hopelessness
• Previous suicide attempts, suicidal ideation, or self-harm
• Major changes in eating or sleeping habits
• Dramatic changes in physical appearance
• Giving away possessions
• Severe destruction of property
• Access/ use and prevalence of drugs and alcohol/ substance abuse

Again, because it bears repeating... if it doesn't seem right, say something!  80% of school shooters told someone of their violent plans prior to the event.  70% of people who complete suicide told someone of their plans or gave some type of warning or indication. I am SO thankful that someone spoke up in Indiana!

Everything is Training for Something

I have long believed that all of your experiences in life (good and bad) will contribute together to help you in the future.  A while ago I read the statement, "Everything is training for something."  It has a catchy phrase aspect to it that has stayed with me and resonates with my beliefs.

As a high school student, there are things that happen in your life that are preparing you for the future in so many ways.  Some of them are easier to see than others.  For example, when you are stuck in traffic you are learning patience.  When you are wrestling with a difficult math problem you are developing perseverance and logic.  When you are helping a friend through a difficult break-up, then perhaps you are also learning how it will feel when someone later breaks your heart.

I can look back now on my life and see how really big moments that I never wanted to have happen have helped to prepare me for a future I never imagined.  I will share one very obvious example with you... years ago, I would go every day after school to help care for my dying grandfather and feed him dinner and visit with him.  As he was getting closer to the time of his death, I communicated LOUDLY and FREQUENTLY to all of my family, the medical staff, and anyone who would listen that no matter what I did NOT want to be there when he died.  But, that wasn't how it worked out.  You may know that I now work part-time as a grief counselor with OhioHealth, but I can assure you that if I had never had my own experience of seeing death first-hand I wouldn't be as effective at what I do in that job.  When my grandfather died I had no idea where my life would take me in my future part-time job and there was NO part of me that was thinking, "well, at least this is training for something."  But the reality is, that is precisely what the experience ended up being in my life. 

And you have these moments all the time too.  As you are going through them, you will not always realize or imagine how they will help you in building the skills you will need in the future.  Whenever possible, if you can lean into the experiences you are going through and learn from them, you will be able to have the skills you have developed accessible to you or those around you in the future.

I am in the lucky position that I often get to see students pulling on strategies that have helped them in the past or working to build new skills that will undoubtedly help them in the future.  Stressed about a test, but you learn how to calm your body and remain focused - that will translate to stressful experiences in a job interview or key presentation you will have to give some day.  Feeling overwhelmed and wondering if this is even worth it, but then finding the courage to speak your truth and get help - that will translate into having the courage to be present with others who are struggling and to provide hope in a way that your life story becomes a lighthouse representating a beacon of hope for others that are struggling.  Your parents are fighting non-stop and you constantly feel as if you must walk on egg-shells to navigate things at home - this can lead you to developing a different approach to how you will parent your own children and what you want to make your home environment life for your own family some day.  Truly, the examples are endless.

Everything is training for something.  You are worthy of the training presented to you and you are capable of overcoming any obstacle which comes your way... especially if you realize that one aspect of the training is reaching out for help when needed.  I believe in you.  I can't wait to see what all of this training is preparing you for in the future and how you will change the world for yourself and for others.

Stressed

How are you holding up?  Are you feeling tired, stressed, overwhelmed, anxious, worried or frustrated?  This time of year often brings a range of stress-related feelings.  The holidays can be stressful.  Exams can be stressful.  High school life can be stressful.

Obviously, if you are struggling, I want to talk to you!  I want to problem-solve with you and help develop a plan for managing the feelings and experiences you are going through. 

Stress comes from a range of events and life circumstances. When positive things happen such as getting a new job, dating someone new, or graduating from high school, stress levels increase. And, obviously, stress levels are higher when negative things take place like failing a test, fighting with family or friends, or having a lot to do in a limited amount of time. Quite simply, the reality is that stress is a part of life and it cannot be escaped, but it is important to learn strategies for dealing with stress.

Holidays can also create stress because expectations tend to be higher during holidays. Families are often together and sometimes that can be difficult or it could mean that siblings who are off to college are home and the change in routine can cause challenges. Students whose parents are divorced are often juggling multiple holidays and trying to be in several places at once which is never easy. Whatever the circumstances are for your family, try to remember that even though the holiday will not be the picture of perfection that you might see portrayed on movies or TV shows, it can still be enjoyable - even if it is stressful.

Finding the stress relievers that are effective in your own life is important not only during the holidays, but throughout the year. Talking to friends, journaling, drawing, reading, listening to music, running, coloring, playing sports, spending time with your pets, taking a walk, dancing, exercising, watching a funny movie, or helping someone less fortunate are all examples of some simple stress relievers that might be ideas you can consider utilizing.

Remember, I am here for you and I want to talk with you... especially if you are feeling stressed!

Gratitude Journal

I hope that you and your family enjoyed a wonderful Thanksgiving break!  

For years, I have read the research about the benefits of writing down what you are thankful for.  And during COVID I decided it was time that I truly put that to the test and I began keeping a gratitude journal.  And so every day, I pause to reflect on what 3 thigns I had to be grateful for in that day.  I try to be really intentional about not just writing the same things over and over again because it would be easy to say: Family, Friends and Health on repeat... and it would absolutely be true.  But for me, it was the challenge to dive deeper and once I had acknowledged something I needed to be more specific or find something different to be able to identify.  It has been a game-changer for me.  Don't get me wrong, I still have bad days, but even on the worst days I have not had any problems identifying at least 3 things from the day which made me grateful.  And how lucky does that make me?!?  

As we leave Thanksgiving behind... a time when many of us all paused to think about what we were thankful for I'd like to issue a challenge to all of my students... every day, for the next month, please write down 3 (different) things that you are thankful for that day.  You don't need a fancy journal.  Just open up the notes section of your phone or grab a piece of notebook paper, write the date and I'm Thankful For... and then list out 3 things.  Repeat that process for the next month.  I will be excited to hear some of the things you come up with and how being intentional about identifying the things you are grateful for impact you.

In case you are wondering, here is what will make my list tonight when I fill out my journal.

12/1/24: I'm Thankful For...

- Having leftover Chocolate Caramel Brownies

- Being able to sleep in for the last 5 days

- That my sister's family made it home safely after visiting for the holiday

Please know that I am also thankful for each of YOU who read this blog!  And I hope that you will consider taking on my challenge to see how focusing on gratitude impacts you over the next month.

Teen Sleep

I cannot even begin to explain how often I hear students frustratingly proclaim, "I'm so tired!"  It is a statement that I hear over and over again each day.  Sleep is a tough issue to tackle because it is one of the best things we can do for ourselves and yet it is also something we frequently push aside.

The research about the importance of teen's getting sleep has frequently been touted and yet, as I talk to you, it is shocking for me to realize how little sleep so many of you are getting.  Lack of sleep is not only exhausting, but it decreases your immune system, makes it more difficult to regulate your emotions, and can mimic the signs of ADHD.  

I wish it was as easy as saying you need to go to bed earlier, but for many of you, your schedules are so packed with homework, studying, jobs, sports, clubs, and other activities that it is hard to make everything fit into the window of time that you have between the end of the school day and a "reasonable" bedtime.  Additionally, many students have talked about the fact that it is hard for them to go to sleep once they eventually go to bed because their mind races, they think of "one more thing" they need to do, or they lose track of time while texting or checking social media late into the night.  And, although it isn't easy, sleep is important and it is a choice to make it a priority because the reality is that so many of you genuinely are exhausted!

I am the first to admit that I NOT a morning person and, quite honestly, I don't think I ever have been.  When my sister and I were in high school my mom set 9:00pm as our bedtime.  Every now and then we would argue that we should be allowed to have a later bedtime like all of our other friends and she would agree and say, "No problem, as soon as you can wake up in the morning without me having to say anything to you to wake up, then you can stay up later."  (FYI, my mom is really smart!)  She knew there was no way in the world we could successfully wake up without extra help because we were tired and we needed the sleep.  We couldn't argue with her because she wasn't having us go to sleep earlier as a punishment - she was trying to help us get the amount of sleep that we needed.  Later, when I was in college and was getting WAY too little sleep, I would call my mom stressed and upset and she, with all her perfect motherly wisdom, would simply say, "Stop what you are doing and go to sleep."  She knew that I was too tired to think straight and that I wasn't doing a good job with studying or homework or whatever else I might have been working on at the time because I was exhausted.  While I am certainly not your mom and in no way am I saying that 9:00pm is the right bedtime for you, I do think that most of you could benefit from getting more sleep.  

So, here is my encouragement and challenge to each of you.  Consider what 1 small thing you could do in these next few weeks to try to increase the amount of sleep you get each night.  Even if you are just getting an additional 30 minutes to an hour of sleep per night, it can make a difference.  You need to decide what you think would work for you, but a few ideas you could consider would be to stay off your phone after a certain time, start your homework earlier so you aren't up so late working on assignments, or using your time throughout the day wisely so that you can make the choice to go to bed earlier.  If you want to discuss what you are doing to help yourself get more rest or to brainstorm other strategies, please stop by and see me!

Motivation

Lately, I seem to find myself having the same basic conversation with a wide range of students.  They are struggling because they "aren't motivated" to do whatever it is they are needing to do.  And that has been a different responsibility for each - getting out of bed to come to school, going to practice, doing their homework, showing up in class, studying, taking care of their chores at home, or working when they are scheduled at their job. 

But here is the thing... it ISN'T about motivation.  You won't always feel motivated.  Sometimes you will never feel motivated.  But it IS about discipline.  It is about doing the thing directly in front of you that needs to be done so that ultimately you can have the outcome you want in the long run.

The first time I really heard about this was during the times when I had met with students who were at boot camp working towards becoming Marines.  They were definitely NOT always motivated for the tasks in front of them, but they definitely wanted to achieve their long term goal of becoming US Marines.  So they talked a lot about focusing on the moments directly in front of you and doing what must be done.  They had a concept of waking up and making it from there to breakfast.  Once they made it to breakfast, they turned their focus on making it to lunch.  At lunchtime, they shifted their attention to making it to dinner.  And at dinner they aimed to make it to bedtime.  That process was repeated day in and day out.  It was the discipline to take care of each day one day at a time.  Granted, in the effort of becoming a Marine they had drill instructors helping to push them, but, let's be honest - you have people trying to help push you too.  They may be your parents, teachers, coaches, boss, friends, or even me, but ultimately it still comes down to you doing what you need to do - movitation or not.

So, perhaps it will help you too... quit searching for motivation and just start practicing the acts of discipline to do this one thing right now and then repeat with the next thing that is required and keep repeating that practice over and over until you achieve your goals.  If you only work on days when you feel good, you won't get a lot accomplished.  Please just take it one step at a time - you can and will get there!

And, since it is Veteran's Day and this was a concept I learned from some of the men and women serving in the military, I want to say a huge thank you to every individual who has had the courage to choose to serve our country in any of the branches of the military.  I am thankful for the freedoms we have today because of your service.

Failures

Probably because I have been having lots of conversations with students stressed about college applications or stressed about first quarter grades, but I have been hearing many students talking about themselves as "being failures."  And I need to make sure that if you are saying or thinking this about yourself, you hear me clearly say that this is NOT correct!  

A failure is an EVENT, not a PERSON!  Too often we get this concept messed up in our minds.  We tend to think that we are a failure when we fall short of a goal or a dream that we had set for ourselves.  But in reality we are not a failure when we don't achieve a goal.  We are just human.

Having the mindset that we will be able to move forward, try new things, learn and and grow without ever failing is setting us up for disappointment because that isn't how life works.  A realistic expectation that we can have for ourselves is that we will learn from the mistakes we make and work to identify new ways to approach challenges.  

So please, if you find yourself falling into the mental trap of believing that you are a failure, try to remind yourself that failures are events you are going through and NOT who you are as a person!

Because of You

On Friday at school we had the chance to honor and celebrate the impact of others on your life.  #BecauseOfYou was the point behind this video and it was also the message so many of you had the courage to share and recognize during the day today.

For all of the parents or anyone who, for whatever reason, didn't have the chance to watch the video during your 3rd period class today, I hope you will take a few minutes and watch this powerful PSA that was created by the Ad Council.

I have watched the video many times as we were preparing for today and the final message that, "Because of You someone's entire day can change, Because of You someone's entire year can change, and Because of You someone's entire life can change", continues to touch my heart.  And here is the reality... we don't always see that in ourselves.  We don't recognize the impact we are having on others.  But we are often keenly aware of how much others help us.  The reason we wanted to focus on that today is that it is important and valuable to realize the depth of an impact you are having on someone else - even though you might not realize it at the time.

I loved seeing the kids and staff that participated both with dry erase board signs and with individual notes of appreciation. But even if you didn't participate Friday during lunch, there is no time like the present... hop on social media and share the message #BecauseOfYou to recognize someone who has had a positive impact on your life.  Who knows, perhaps by doing so you will inspire someone else to recognize someone too.  And, if you don't feel comfortable posting your gratitude on social media, then remember, you can still send someone a text, email, or tell them face to face how much they have changed your life for the better.

This world has enough negativity.  Stress levels are high.  Frustration runs deep.  Disappointment and hurt seems never-ending at times.  But there is good.  There is so much good!  We need to focus on it today and every day.  Because by doing so, perhaps it will end up multiplying.  Someone will decide to be a little kinder because they know that it had made a positive difference to someone else in the past.  What a gift and blessing that would be for not only you, but for our school, our community, and our world.

Thank you again to all of the students who participated in the #BecauseOfYou day.  #BecauseOfYou Kilbourne is a better place!

Make this your Rock Bottom

I'm sure you have heard the phrases about people hitting rock bottom.  And most of the time when I hear people talking about getting to those low places in their life they speak of it as if they can't get any worse.  Nothing else could go wrong beyond what has already happened.  And then, at that point, they are ready to make a change.

Here is the reality... for some people, that is absolutely how this has to work because many of us (1) don't like change, (2) find comfort in the familiar even if it is all falling apart around us, and (3) don't want to admit that we are struggling.

But the good news is that this does NOT have to be the way it works!  We all have the power to pick our bottom.  To say, this is as low as I can let myself go or get.  Know though, that making this change will require ACTION and COURAGE!  But, you have that inside of you and you CAN do this!  You can decide that enough is enough and that you are ready to make changes any time you want.  

I don't know about you, but I think that is a really encouraging thought.  I like control and being able to take some sense of control over my own life is a helpful thought for me.  But, that is also when fear and complacency can set in because if I want this to be the lowest that I get in my life then I am going to have to DO something DIFFERENT!  This might mean making different choices.  It could mean asking for help.  Perhaps it means spending time with new people.  Everyone's circumstances and areas of concern are different, but by digging deep inside yourself to find the courage to take action, change is possible and your life and the challenges you are facing can improve.

And, in case you are out there reading this and thinking, "that sounds nice Miss Abbott, but, no, I can't fix the fact that my mom is sick or my grandpa died."  And you are right.  There are absolutely heart-breaking events that will always cross our paths.  This is a part of life and it is not fair and it is hard, but you can get through even those difficult days by finding ways to take better care of yourself, by learning new coping strategies, by sharing your sadness with others so you aren't left feeling quite so alone in it all.

So my question for you today is how much lower do you need to go before you decide to make a change?  I know it can be scary to try something new or to admit that you need help, but the benefits can be beyond what you could imagine.  For example, I watched a video last weekend which included a high school boy who was really struggling in some of his classes.  He didn't like most of his teachers and he was challenged to do something new and different.  He was asked by one of his mentors to pick out the class where he was struggling the most, where he didn't feel connected to the teacher and to walk up to that teacher and say that he was struggling and didn't feel connected to the class or the teacher and that he wanted to change it.  I was floored as I heard this awkwardly phrased conversation play out.  But the reality is the boy said that being real and honest with his teacher had changed everything and now if he had problems in any class or with stuff outside of school he knew that he could always go to that teacher and that he was now one of his favorite people and biggest supporters in his life.  All because he had the COURAGE to take ACTION and make a CHANGE.  He decided that he was done with his classes and grades getting worse so he established his bottom and he did something different.  Never doubt that you can do that too!

It's helpful to keep in mind that no matter how low your bottom might be, once you are at your bottom, there is nowhere to go but up.  And if you are needing help or support in that climb back up, remember that I am here for you!

This moment...

This moment, the one right here, right now... are you in it?  Are you fully present in the now, savoring the details of whatever is happening for you today, now?  Or are you thinking 15 steps ahead of all that you need to do and all that is to come?  Or are you someone who tends to find yourself caught up thinking about things that are already done in the past and struggling to let them go?

The reality is it can be hard to be in the now.

I feel like at the end of summer there is a lot of challenge to being in the now moments.  We start thinking ahead to the new school year, anticipating the fall and all that is to come while also wishing that we could rewind and have a few more weeks of summer vacation.  But you do still have right now. Today. And you can choose to savor these moments.

A week and a half ago I wrote about how much I love the Olympics. And as I have watched the Olympics over and over again I have been surprised and thinking about how often the reporters questions to the athletes pertain to either things of the past or their plans of the future. I find this fascinating.

The men and women competing are elite athletes who have dedicated countless hours of their lives to their sports.  They have worked hard and risen to the top as the best in their field in order to qualify for the Olympics.  But even when they achieve the greatest success imaginable - an Olympic Medal - the questions aren't just related to what does this feel like to you, how are you savoring this moment, what will you remember most about this moment or these Olympic games.  Instead the questions tend to be more along the lines of, "Will you be competing again in LA in 2028?" for forward focused questions or "Did you ever imagine reaching the podium after __ had happened to you?" for past related questions. And ultimately, it isn't that the forward or past questions are inherently bad, but I wonder if that is part of why we also tend to struggle with being in the now, of savoring this moment at hand, and enjoying our present?

And to all of the Olympians, medalists or not, I guess I wish someone would just say, "Wow! Congratulations, you have made it to the top of your field and you are impressive for your dedication and drive. Enjoy this moment because you deserve it and you have made us proud!"

And even though you aren't Olympians (or at least not yet), I hope you also enjoy this moment (such as the final days of summer) simply because it is yours to own and celebrate in even the smallest of ways.

Excited to see the Freshman and Juniors for Schedule Pick Up tomorrow! My alpha group is first thing in the morning.

It's Not a Race

Have you heard the quote about life is a marathon, not a sprint?  I had always heard it and kind of blown it off because, yes, of course it is more of a marathon - it is long and exhausting and there are days that feel better than others.  But a few months ago, I heard something that resonated with me far more and I keep thinking about it so I thought I should share it with you in case it makes sense to you too.

Life is not a race at all!

Life is like white water rafting.  Sometimes there are calm, smooth peaceful water.  Other times the rapids are tossing you all over the place.  And that description definitely made sense to me.  But the point is bigger than that.  When you go white water rafting, and in life, you are with people that matter to you.  You are spending time with people you love and you're (hopefully) enjoying your surroundings.  Usually when you go white water rafting you have a good sense about where you're going to end up, but it's not all about getting to that desitnation.  It is about the experiences you are making and sharing along the way.

Powerful way to think about life, isn't it?  If you think about it in terms of high school, you know that you are going to come to school for 180 days each school year for 4 years.  You know that you're going to have work to do, stuff to learn, tests to take, and projects to complete.  You know that some days will be smooth, easy sailing and others will be filled with rough water that can feel scary and overwhelming.  But what makes high school (and also life) more meaningful and what you will ultimately remember most in the future are the friendships you make, the people who help you on a bad day, the teachers who support, guide and challenge you, and the journey that you are all on together.

So no, life is not a race.  You are on a white water rafting journey.  Try to enjoy the ride (and don't forget to put on your life jacket as self care is key and always remember that no matter what, just keep paddling through!)

Also, tomorrow is Arts in Action day!  I hope you will come outside to the bridge area to drum with us!  It is always so much fun!

How do you want to feel?

One of my friends and I were talking over the weekend about doing what you need to do now so that you feel how you want to feel later.  It is a concept that I think will resonate with many of you as well.

What does "do what you want to do now so you feel how you want to feel later" really mean?  Well, it is taking time to actually look at your actions and making intentional choices about what you are doing so that it will lead you to places that you feel good about later.

This shows up in all different aspects of your life.

In school, doing what you need to do now may mean buckling down and writing a paper that you have been procrastinating on so that you don't have to worry about it over spring break.  Or studying and working really hard in your classes throughout 4th quarter so that you can relax and enjoy summer vacation without the burden of summer school.

In our relationships with others, doing what you need to do now may mean taking the time to slow down and cherish the moments with your grandparents or a beloved elderly neighbor before they are gone and you can't spend the time with them any more.  It can also mean speaking words of hope and encouragement to your friends and the significant people in your life so that you will feel good about the quality of your interactions together.

In sports or music or art, doing what you need to do now may mean training and running the extra drill or practicing the difficult part more so that you will have the joy of accomplishment later.

The concept of doing what you need to do now so that you will feel how you want to feel later is so simple in theory, but it isn't always easy to put it into practice.  We are all human and we won't be perfect, but whenever possible, try to actively look at your choices and think about if they are helping you to feel how you will want to feel later.  It is a practice that will make a difference in the quality of your choices and therefore the quality of your life.

See Something Say Something Week

This week is national See Something, Say Something week.  It is a time when, across the country, we are all reminded of the importance of safety at school and in our community.  We all share a responsibility for maintaining the safety of our surroundings.

My hope is that not just this week, but EVERY week, you will recognize any warning signs or threats, take them seriously, and report the concerns to a trusted adult.

Here is a 2 minute PSA Video that Sandy Hook Promise created as a reminder that threats of violence or harm are no laughing matter.

Check out the video.  And, as always, if you ever have concerns, please remember that you can always come and share those with me!

Progress

One of the most common challenges I see and hear about from students is connected to the frustration of wanting to achieve your goals while also struggling to stay motivated for those same goals.  Some of you will talk about that in relation to your grades saying things like, "I want to do better and get good grades, but I just don't have the motivation for it."  Others talk about it with personal goals such as with sports.  In this situation it might sound like, "I want to start on the team next fall, but it's so far away it's hard to make myself run on my own right now."  Or it could be in relation to a personal challenge you're facing such as navigating difficult situations with friends.

No matter what the dynamic or situation you are facing it is easy to get sucked into believing that there will be a better time in the future to do whatever it is that you're contemplating.  And, it is also easy to think that motivation will carry you through.  Sadly, neither of those things are effective in helping when the distractions and temptation to procrastinate are strong.

So what can you do?  You can set the bar low to start and raise it once you get going.

What do I mean and what would that look like?  I might think I "should" run a certain distance every day.  But instead I end up not running all week.  So if I shift my thinking and set the bar low to start then I am going to tell myself I will run for 5 minutes and then decide from there if I am going to keep going or not.  If I quit after 5 minutes, ok, I stopped.  But at least I got 5 minutes of work in towards my goal which is better than not starting at all.  And, many times, I will be able to raise the bar for myself and do more than 5 minutes of running.  Maybe I will run for 10 minutes or maybe I will go my whole desired length of time or distance, but no matter what, I am doing better than if I had never started.

If you expect yourself to be perfect then it is easy to fall short of that goal and therefore give up on even trying before you really get started.  But by setting the bar low, you know that you can achieve that simple goal and then you can keep raising it so that step by step you will end up making progress.

If you are needing help with making progress towards any of your goals, I hope you will stop and see me.  We can work together to help identify some realistic low bar goals that you could start with and then ways that you can gradually increase those goals towards supporting your desire to make progress.  Remember, I believe in you and know that you can achieve anything you desire and work for in the future.

Crisis/ Suicide Prevention Lines

There are times when we can feel overwhelmed, lonely, stressed, sad and hopeless.  All of these emotions are normal to experience, but when they happen to come all at the same time it can be very challenging and leave people feeling lost and desperate.

Perhaps you or someone you know have had times with that type of darkness and possibly even experienced suicidal thoughts.  It is important to know that there is ALWAYS help available!  Reaching out for support is a critical step in helping to give yourself the hope that you will not always feel the way you might be feeling right now.

If you are having suicidal thoughts while at school, I hope you will come to tell me or share that information with another adult that you trust.  If you are away from school, I hope that you will reach out to your parents or some other adult who your trust.  But I know that sometimes the people closest to us can miss the level of pain we are experiencing and so I'd like to remind you that you can always call or text a crisis/ suicide hotline and there will be someone on the other end ready and willing to talk to you who can help brainstorm next steps.  The number to reach out to is super easy to remember - all you have to do is dial 988 and you will be connected to a counselor who can help.

Additionally, in recognition of how much our society has grown to depend on text messaging as a means of communication, there is also a crisis text line where you can reach out for help and support in addition to the 988 number.  To contact the crisis text line you can send a message to 741741.  You can send them any message to get the conversation started.  And I know that it can be hard to even know where to start so remember, you can always reach out even with just one word such as "4hope" (which helps connect you to someone in Ohio) or even "help or hello" and before you know it you will be communicating via text with someone else who understands what you are experiencing and is ready and able to help you.

The most important reminder I would like to leave you with is that YOU MATTER!  You are not alone - there is always someone who would like to have the opportunity to talk with you and to help you.  If you are having thoughts of suicide, PLEASE, reach out for help today!

Holiday Stress

It's the most wonderful time of the year...

Except that for many people, it is not really the most wonderful time of year and can, in fact, be one of the most challenging times of the year.  The holiday season often presents a challenging combination of high expectations, family drama, and school pressure with semester exams - all of which can result in unbelievably high levels of stress.  This is even more prevalent if you and your family are struggling to make ends meet this holiday season.

My top recommendation for everyone is to try to keep a sense of perspective on what is reality.  It becomes very easy to get caught in the mindset that the holiday is supposed to be this picture-perfect celebration.  Yet, that is seldom the reality.  When watching TV it is nearly impossible to escape seeing commercials and holiday movies that depict images of snow gently falling, families coming together with smiles and excitement, food overflowing on the tables, loved ones unwrapping the perfect gifts, sleigh rides through parks decorated with holiday lights, and communities gathered together singing carols.  I enjoy the sentiments that the movies are trying to depict, but if we begin thinking that this is what life is really like then we are bound to be disappointed.  For example, in my family we have wonderful holidays, but we have never gone on sleigh rides or participated in community caroling and, if I am being completely honest, the wonderful moments are also mixed with stressful times of trying to get everything ready or missing those who are unable to be there for the holiday.  If I were to compare my real holidays with that perfect image seen on TV I would inevitably be disappointed.

So, what can you do to help with the holidays?

Don't expect the holidays to be perfect. They NEVER are.

Focus on what you have, not what you don't. Ignore the commercials where the husband surprises his wife with a brand new luxury car or a diamond ring. This only leaves you wondering, "What about me?" Remind yourself that it's not the stuff that makes the holidays important.

The holidays can bring back memories of loved ones that have passed away. Give yourself permission to grieve, and deal with the loss in your own way. If you want to cry, go ahead. If you want to remember your loved one in a special way, do it - light a candle, put together a scrapbook, decorate the grave stone with flowers, or whatever else you find comforting.

Feel whatever you are feeling.  Sometimes people talk about “holiday blues” or feeling depressed by the holiday stress and others might feel excited, generous or disappointed.  Try not to over-analyze how you are feeling and just experience it – acknowledge it and try to live in the moment no matter the feeling.

If you are struggling with high stress levels heading into the holidays, please make time to stop and see me so that we can talk more about it!

Grief & Holidays

Dealing with grief while navigating the typical challenges of being in high school can be very stressful and overwhelming.  I wish none of you had to say good-bye to a loved one who has died and yet the statistics about how often this happens are daunting.  According to the Childhood Bereavement Estimation Model, 1 out of every 12 children in the US will experience the death of a parent or sibling by the time they reach 18 years.  Not to mention all of the other loved ones who play an important role in your lives.  There are no words that can take away the pain or make life return to the way it was after the death of someone you love, but I can promise you never have to walk through this experience alone.  I am here to listen and care and to support you as you learn to live life with grief.

As we head into the winter holiday season, for those students who have experienced the death of someone important to them, the holidays combined with grief can be incredibly challenging.  In recognition of the difficulties that grief during the holidays can create, we will be hosting a Holiday & Grief Workshop on December 7th for students to join in to learn more about what to expect when grieving during the holidays and ways to honor the memory of a loved one during the holidays.  If you are a student who is living with grief this holiday season, please reach out to me so that I can add you to our holiday & grief workshop list.  I'd love for you to participate with us!

Be Here Now

There are so many things which demand your attention that being present to "be here now" can be a challenge.  Even right now, as you are reading this blog post, chances are you have other emails awaiting your attention, notifications popping up about social media posts, reminders, or messages you're receiving.  Life never seems to slow down.

Yet we each have the same 24 hours in our days.  How we choose to spend that time is our decision.  But each choice we make comes with consequences.  Some of those consequences are positive (I study for a test and I get a good grade) and some of the consequences are negative (I didn't study for the test and I got a bad grade).  But here is the interesting thing I have noticed... it is all too common for students (and adults for that matter) to fake it.  We fake studying.  We fake working on a paper.  We fake being fine.  We fake paying attention.  We fake a lot, but why?  Is it because you are fooling yourself or someone else?  Is it because you want to impress someone for how much time you spent studying? (Even if the reality was you weren't really studying because you were spending most of your time finding music, responding to messages, or daydreaming.)

So stop.  Be all in.  Wherever you are, be all there.  This is your life - your one chance to do things fully, completely and as meaningfully as possible.

You can get more studying done in 30 minutes when you are intensely focused than you can over 3 hours of a half-focused study session.  Be present with your friends or family when you are spending time together - put your phone away and actually listen.  If you're not in the mood to write your paper, find a different approach to get yourself into the mindset to be fully focused on the task at hand rather than sitting in one place for hours on end growing more frustrated by how long it is taking you to complete the assignment.  But that is just part of it... remember, if you normally spend 3 hours half-way studying and are now just spending 30 minutes of focused work, you have the added benefit of gaining 2.5 hours of extra time to spend being fully invested in yourself and the activities you enjoy like spending time with friends, watching a show or even scrolling on social media.

For yourself, for your future, and for your overall well-being, please try to build the habit of being present and being all in with your time and your commitments.  It will serve you well in high school and beyond!