What do I deserve?

I've been thinking a lot lately about the concept of what we deserve.  This thought has worked it's way into lots of my conversations and the question and corresponding answers tend to present from different extremes.

What did I do to deserve this?  This question comes up a lot when it feels like everything in life is going wrong.  When bad things are happening to good people we ask why knowing that they didn't deserve it.  And we question times of feeling punished by actions or by life.  And the reality is, sometimes life is really NOT FAIR and it can be very overwhelming, but it isn't because you deserve to be punished!

Do I deserve this?  Sometimes people think about what they deserve as a way of self-punishment.  This is often masked as "a wolf in sheeps clothing" with the belief that we only deserve something if we are good enough.  If I exercise enough or do well enough on a test or win the competition, then I will be good enough to deserve whatever I am hoping for - a treat, love, attention, recognition, etc.  What this mindset really means is that I ONLY deserve those things IF I do well.

Both of these examples are actually very similar.  They stem from a belief that if I am good enough then I can prevent bad things from happening and "deserve" good things to happen and would then be able to allow that goodness into my life.  Sadly, that isn't how life works.  You DO deserve for good things to happen and you DON'T deserve for bad things to happen.  But life will always be made up of good and bad.  You are worthy of love and belonging and appreciation and happiness right now, just as you are.  Not just if you achieve some goal.

But those aren't the only ways I see this concept show up.  It also presents as I deserve it.  Almost with an air of entitlement.  I deserve to be able to do whatever I want - stay out as late as I want, make whatever choice I want, go to class only when I want, etc.  And this mindset can be just as risky and damaging as the self-punishment version because your choices and your actions do have an impact on others and there are consequences to your actions (or inactions).

This is one of those big life issues that has the tendency to show up often throughout different phases of your life.  So, when you notice yourself thinking about what you do or do not deserve, try to pause, take a deep breath, and figure out if you are being fair, reasonable and balanced in your mindset.  If you realize that you are not, try to think about what you would say to your friend if they were saying the same things to themselves that you are saying in your head.  And, remember, I am here too to be able to give you space to talk it through with because these are difficult issues to balance.