Top Ten List for Parents NOT to do during college visits

One of the counselors on the National Association of College Admissions Counselors listserve compiled the following great list of things parents SHOULD NOT do while on college visits or interviews. I hope you enjoy it, but the reality is, I also hope that you and/ or your parents do NOT do any of these things!

1. Don’t use the royal “we.”

Off the top of my head, my personal favorite no-no is when parents say “We want to attend your university next year” or other similar comments. (I’m particularly fond of this one when the parent is accompanied by a student whose body language indicates that s/he has zero interest in attending my university the next year.) Unless the parent is also submitting an application for himself/herself, all pronouns should indicate that the individual student is the one applying and hoping to attend. Ideally, I really believe the student should be the one asking the questions and initiating the conversations as well, although I do understand that more introverted students often find this to be challenging. But that “we” pronoun is a pretty clear indicator that the student isn’t really the one running the search!

Dead giveaways:
“We are very excited about your school”
“We don’t know what kind of major we are interested in yet”
“We would like to know…”

The one item I recommend for parents to avoid is using the phrase “WE got admitted,” WE took the SAT’s,” WE have a 3.5 GPA, etc. There are appropriate times when the student is solely responsible and appropriate times when the family is included.

2. Don’t take calls or use your Blackberries, IPODs, etc.

Don’t take a phone call during an information session and/or campus tour.

Turn off the cell phones! For one hour, disconnect.

Don’t sit in an information session and do business on your Blackberry.

DO NOT answer your cell and proceed to have a discussion while ON the tour, during an Open House presentation by the college president, or IN AN ADMISSIONS OFFICERS OFFICE during the interview!!!

3. Don’t speak for your student.

Do not sign in for your student in the Admissions Office. The student should do it.

Parents should let their kids be themselves – I remember one parent that I met with in my office who spent most of the time telling her child to sit-up, speak up, “Tell Mr. XXXXX about your science project.” “Give Mr. XXXXX your transcript.” Parents should remember that, while they do need to gather some information, ownership of the process should belong to their children…therefore the impetus for asking questions and the responsibility for being themselves should fall on the students.

Do not speak entirely for the student (at registration tables, reception desks, Q/Amoments, etc.) while the child stands mutely aside.

Decide for the student what things to see/do/inquire about—the student should be determining all activities

I’ve heard a parent in an information session ask if his son could double major in electrical engineering and neurobiology. (Give me a break, the kid was 17!)

4. Don’t embarrass your child publicly

It’s also annoying to have a parent preface her question with the advanced curriculum choices her child has already completed at a prestigious prep school. Parents playing up the privileges they have bought for their children sound the most obnoxious and lacking in self-awareness in my opinion.

“Don’t ask about mental health facilities for kids with emotional difficulties during the college tour.” I have a parent who did this in front of their clinically depressed kid on the tour.

Consistently the parental question that brings the greatest cringe from the child and the most mush-mouthing from the tour guide has to do with coed bathrooms. What no one has the courage to say directly to Mom (never Dad, also consistently) is, Get over it! Somehow it all works out and life goes on.

Do not dominate an information session with a slew of questions; most admissions officers would be happy to answer very specific questions from a family outside of the session time. Plus, it tends to embarrass the kid.

Do NOT tell the admission counselor how much brighter/higher achieving/moretalented/etc. the student’s older siblings were! I continue to be amazed at how many parents do this. It is awful to sit and watch a student shrink in his/her chair right before my eyes!

Don’t go on and on about the student’s (real or imagined) strengths and accomplishments.

Don't launch into a diatribe that includes listing every achievement the student has made in his/her life history (not only does this take up time unnecessarily, but it usually mortifies the student)

DO NOT come to the visit or even schedule a visit with a list of demands. It’s okay to request to see a coach, faculty member, etc…most schools will do their best to accommodate, but please understand that faculty and coaches are typically busy- teaching and coaching and may not be available (or even allowed-NCAA regulations) when you are on campus.

Do NOT burst into tears and moan `Oh where did my baby go?’ during the tour.

5. Don’t monopolize the conversation/tour/discussion session

I would encourage parents to not monopolize the tour guide with specific questions only pertinent to their child’s situation. Being interested in and asking a few questions is great, but if they take over a group tour with questions that are specific to only their child, the whole tour will take forever. Those kinds of questions should be asked of a counselor at a later date.

Don't dominate discussions by waxing reminiscent about their good-old college days…and go on-and-on despite dirty looks from other parents/prospective students/their own children.

Do not do all the talking. Although we know that parents are invested in the child’s future…it’s their child’s future.

Do NOT tell stories of how you went streaking if you have gained lots of weight; it brings forth lots of unfortunate word pictures.

6. Don’t ruin the interview.

Do not go into the interview with your student to the Admissions Counselor/ Officer.

Do not go into an interview with the coach, unless you are invited in, or unless you just plan to listen. This is your student’s time to find out about the program, by asking appropriate questions, not yours. Some coaches now think that if they have an overbearing parent during the process, they are thinking “Maybe I don’t want this parent around for the next four years,” even if they were initially interested in recruiting the student.

Do not assume that they’ll be part of an on-campus interview. Every school is different.

Don’t break out the scrapbook of everything junior has done since birth (yes, we see these when working in admissions).

Parents should not sit in on the interview and discuss another sibling who is at an “overlap” college.

7. Don’t whine, complain or be negative in public.

“Whine” is the operative word…concern about cost is perfectly appropriate and (understandably) common.

Do not ask if new campus construction will significantly improve the aesthetic value of the campus landscape because you cannot stand to drive onto the campus for the next four years as it currently stands.

Don’t say anything negative during the Tour or the Info Session. Wait until you’re in the car. Personally, I don’t think parents should say much of anything about a college visit. I think they should keep their opinions to themselves and let the student form an opinion. If they speak negatively about a school, a student might dig their heels and in say they are interested in the college, even if they initially were not interested.

Don’t complain publicly. A parent at a recent event complained about many things in public forums—most of them either unfounded rumor or things our institution has absolutely no control over—and it not only made the entire event more negative, but it made us start to develop a very negative impression of her daughter!

Do not complain about the lack of 5 star hotels in the region.

Do not challenge the admissions representative about the number of students going to medical school and law school by calling him a liar and clearly misinformed.

8. Don’t broker your student.

If the student is a legacy or has a family member (however distant) that has donated lots of money to the college, please do not harp on this to any university official. Parents who mention such things make it sound like, “you’d better admit my kid” kind of thing. The student can mention his/her legacy status only in the course of a conversation, or if asked outright, but not as an opener. Just know that the college will certainly know their legacy status once he/she applies.

9. Don’t allow your child to embarrass him/herself

Remind your child about appropriate behavior and dress when on campus. Remember that the tour and discussion session are important pieces of the process and ones where behaviors can distinguish oneself, positively and negatively.

Don’t allow your progeny to curl up in mom or dad’s lap and fall asleep smack-dab in the middle of an information session. No matter how boring the speaker may be, this is a definite no-no. (Yes, this happened to me).

Remind him/her to take off your sunglasses when inside talking with AdmissionOfficers, students, faculty, etc.

I’ve had one young lady answer her cell (keep in mind she was interviewing as a last ditch effort to be admitted) and proceed to talk to her boyfriend- her mom- who was also in the office with us just continued the conversation with me as though nothing was wrong!

10. Don’t plan to do the application process for your child. Don’t tell the Admissions Office that you are doing the application process for your child.

I had one mother talk about how great the essay she wrote was!

Fill out the application for their son or daughter on the spot.

Don’t turn in your own letter of recommendation