All human beings get angry. As Theodore Rubin said, "Feeling angry is a universal human phenomenon. It is as basic as feeling hungry, lonely, loving or tired. The capacity to feel angry and to respond in some way to that feeling is in us from birth." Think about it, a newborn baby cries and screams and gets red with rage. He does so usually in response to some increase in bodily tension of discomfort or frustration. The baby expresses his/ her anger and hopefully the needs get met.
Some of us have learned that anger is an unattractive and unacceptable emotion; we are convinced that if we expressed it, people would punish us with disapproval. We pay a big price on the days we repress our anger. It builds up within us until we eventually release it - and often when that happens it isn't in productive or healthy ways. We may lash out at people not even remotely involved. Internalized anger can make us emotionally and physically ill - it can cause headaches, insomnia, and ulcers. Repressed anger touches just about everything - our relationships, our performance, and our ability to enjoy and appreciate the good things in our lives.
Sometimes anger can overwhelm us. Some of us roll up the windows and scream in our cars. Some of us wait until no one is around and scream into our pillows. Some of us just scream. Most of us have thought we were crazy at those times. We're not. We are just alive and responding to the stress and anger that is present in our lives. The reality is that anger is an emotion of power. How we respond to and channel our anger can propel us forward or backward. Anger will not just go away - it must be released.
"When you clench your first, no one can put anything in your hand, nor can your hand pick up anything." - Alex Haley
It is unlikely that our clenched fist will spontaneously relax and open. We may first have to notice that it is clenced before we can gradually begin to loosen it.
What I think is most interesting about anger is that it is an emotion that if you carry it around over a long period of time, it doesn't allow you to fully live. This is because anger is the emotion that we tend to show and let others see, while the feelings that are just below the surface that we are trying to hide from ourselves and others are often at the root of our anger. There are many different feelings which this could include such as:
- Lonely
- Sad
- Vulnerable
- Overwhelmed
- Exhausted
- Stressed
- Hurt
- Attacked
- Disgusted
- Disrespected
- Scared
- Rejected
- Shocked
- Uncomfortable
- Unloved
- Worried
- Unsure
- Confused
- Disappointed
- Jealous
- Anxious
- Insecure
- Guilty
- Hurt
- Grieving
- Helpless
- Offended
- Regretful
- Shame
- Envious
- Pressure
- Tricked
- Annoyed
- Fearful
- Trapped
- Nervous
- Depressed
- Frustrated
- Embarrassed
- Tired
- Abandoned
- Inadequate
- Ignored
- Panic
- Unwanted
- Resentment
Look at that list - most of the feelings are hidden and show up as anger, but to get the anger to go away it is necessary to chip away at the emotions underneath that are supporting the anger. Unfortunately, sometimes it feels easier to stay angry than it is to deal with the emotions that are underneath our anger.
So how do we manage the feelings of anger when they are present? We work to release the anger in safe and healthy ways. Below are a few examples of strategies you can use to help release feelings of anger.
- Talk about it. I hope you will feel safe and comfortable to come and talk to me about the times you are feeling angry - especially if you live your life always feeling angry.
- Identify the feelings beneath your anger and explore them
- Get the feelings out, but don't take it out on another person or yourself
- Breathe deeply, count to 10
- Artwork to express yourself
- Journal
- Be honest and open with yourself and trusted adults in your support system
- Channel it into a positive action to help others
- Know that it is ok to be angry as long as you are not hurting yourself or anyone else
The more you understand your anger the more you can make changes that allow for the release and healing. Have the courage to explore your anger because the more you allow the feelings to surface the more of yourself you will find.
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