Most of the time when I am writing this blog I am aiming my message at my students (even though I know that parents often read it as much if not more than students). Today is different though. Students, you can hit delete. :-) Parents, I ask you to keep reading...
This is a stressful world we live in and parenting is overwhelming to say the least. I often hear parents say, "they had books on What to expect when you're expecting but none of those books talk about the difficulties of raising teenagers in our world today." And each person who mentions this is absolutely correct. In large part because your son/ daughter has so much more influence and say over his/ her own choices and it isn't all about what you do to raise them.
This reality comes into striking clarity when it comes to the college application time. Making decisions about where a student should apply (or not apply), what their activities and experiences are that they are doing during high school which contribute to that college application, and what they will study and become in the future - all of it is stressful for parents and for students.
Even when they say that they don't need you - they do! But know that the support that your son/ daughter needs right now is about helping them through the process and not taking over for them. If you step in and take the lead then your kids will think that you don't believe they are capable of making these decisions for themselves. And, of course they can't make them in isolation, but rather than telling them where they will apply, talk it through with them. Ask LOTS of questions. Have you considered x college? What do you find most appealing about y college? How do you think z college would feel if you were that far from home? You get the picture. Ask a lot and listen to their feedback. And yes, sometimes you will have to stick your foot down and say things like, "I know you only want to apply to colleges out of state, but you need to have a few colleges in Ohio that you would also like in case it makes a difference with the financial aid you receive." Or whatever that tough conversation needs to look like in your family.
I think all too often it feels as if parents are trying to live vicariously through their kids lives and the students push back on this SO MUCH! So as much as you can, please try to remind yourself that these choices are for your son/ daughter's future and while this is a big choice, where they apply (or don't apply) is rarely going to be an actual disaster. Most of the time, students are willing to apply to at least 1-2 colleges their parents want on the list even if the others wouldn't be your preference.
I also read this article and I am going to pull out a little bit of the information for you to read because I think it is incredibly important and relevant.
"The college admittance process has become a proxy evaluation on modern parenting and it’s hard for me to feel not so good about my own parenting track record when I see smiling faces on Division 1 Commitment Day photos or the Facebook video of a rock star student opening up an email for early action admittance to his or her top-drawer school of choice.
But that? That’s about me, and this process is about my sons. Where and if either goes to college, and how they do when they get there, these are not indications of my parenting ability. I haven’t failed them if they enroll in community college or a trade school. This is about the next, right step for my older two sons on the path to self-sustaining adulthood. And there are many, many ways to get there."
Totally true, isn't it!?! I don't know when things changed in our society, but it feels as if there is such a competition and over-sharing of information that everyone feels as if they are being compared to everyone else. Exhausting! You have done a great job raising your kids! I know that every day when I am at school and have the privilige to work with such awesome people. They are kind, engaging, smart, and talented. They have big futures ahead - no matter what they choose for their career and where they go to college as their next step in that future. Please, please, please, do NOT let their future decisions and accomplishments feel as if it is about you and your successes or failures. Not only because that would be overwhelming and frustrating for you as a parent to feel all of that pressure, but also because your son/ daughter will inherently feel that pressure too and none of you need or deserve that!
So what can you be doing right now? Talk with your child about what is a reasonable check in frequency for talking about their progress in the college application process. At least 1 per week should be a good gauge as long as they are making consistent progress. If they are stuck, they are going to need your help in breaking things down into more manageable steps. (They can also come see me or zoom with me too and I am happy to help with breaking down their applications into smaller steps.) And also listen. When you talk to them, listen to what they have to say and keep encouraging them. These are a few stressful weeks/ months in their lives and they definitely need you more than they are likely going to say.
Here are some other articles for parents that I also thought might be interesting to you:
These are the words your teen applying to college needs to hear from you
College
applications: what I’ve learned as a parent the 2nd time around
And finally, don't forget, tomorrow night from 3:30-7:30pm and Wednesday night from 5-9pm are Parent/ Teacher Conferences virtually. If your son/ daughter is not doing well academically, all of that college stress needs to be focused first and foremost on passing their current classes. You should have received an email last week about signing up for conferences, but don't miss out on this chance for you and your son/ daughter to zoom together (if possible) with their teacher and discuss their progress in class!
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