Do you know anyone who has died by suicide? There is nothing exciting, or glamorous, or meaningful, or significant, or positive that comes from someone dying - especially when they take their own life. Unfortunately I know a few people who have died by suicide and their deaths haunt me. The thought that their pain was so overwhelming that they could not imagine that it would ever be able to get better is scary and heartbreaking. I wish they had reached out for support. I wish they could have realized how much they were cared about and loved. I wish they were still here today.
There has been a lot of talk about the new Netflix series called "13 Reasons Why." I have heard from several of my students and some of the staff about why you like the show. That you want to know more about the various characters and what happens next. That you believe it shows the importance of why we have to watch out for one another, to be kind, and to prevent horrible events like bullying and sexual assaults. I whole-heartedly agree with all of that.
But I can also tell you that there are a lot of down-sides to this show - ways that it is dangerous and scary and has the potential to cause more harm than good.
When an individual makes the final decision to take his or her own life the reality is that no one else except for that person can make the choice to live. Don't get me wrong on this - we can all absolutely do a TON to try to help support, encourage, care, love and get help for someone if they are having suicidal thoughts. We have a responsibility to speak up and help our friends to try to save their lives. But ultimately, if we have done all of that and the individual still makes the decision to kill his or herself, then that was no one else's decision. Suicide is very complex. There are so many issues at play in a person's life that contribute to the decision to die by suicide. Earlier this year we had international suicide prevention experts, Dr. Darcy and Dr. Paul Granello speak to the WKHS staff and the parents in the district. They gave the example of a girl who was in college that called home asking for money for pizza and her mom said no and the girl killed herself that night. She didn't kill herself because she was denied the money for pizza, but that is how so many people try to look at the cause and effect of suicide. This show does that too. Although it isn't addressed in the series, her death was a wide range of factors and issues that extend far beyond just 13 people and situations.
Someone who dies by suicide does not get revenge. They don't put us in our place for wronging them by killing themselves. And their message about how to treat someone is not heard only by killing him or herself. In fact, I would argue that the most effective way to spread that message is to stay alive and advocate for it - to show one person and then another the importance of care and compassion. The other reality, those who I have known who died by suicide were feeling unbearable sadness and hopelessness. They were turning those emotions inward and were not lashing out at others. In fact, I genuinely believe that they did not want to hurt those around them even though their death has left gigantic holes which can never be filled.
It makes me sad that in the show the counselor is portrayed as someone who doesn't care. I care about all of my students deeply. I would do anything in my power to try to help you find the resources and support that you need in order to help keep you alive. I would never want to think that by watching a show that anyone would possibly think it isn't worth reaching out for help because an adult such as myself wouldn't care anyways. Please, let me say it again. I do care and if you are struggling, then please come to see me!
The American Foundation of Suicide Prevention has done a great deal of research on suicide prevention and what helps and what hurts in those efforts. Sadly, many of the components of this show go directly against the guidelines that help prevent suicide. In fact, some of what happens in the show is known to increase the suicide contagion effect. That is unbelievably scary to me!
The series also does not show that there are a lot of other options for seeking help other than just killing oneself. So, let's talk about that for a moment. If you or someone you know is having thoughts of suicide, please get help now! Contact a suicide hotline - 1-800-273-TALK (8255) or text START to 741741. Tell your parents, a teacher, or me - any caring and compassionate adult will take steps to try to help. If they don't know how to help then know that you can also call 911 or go to the Emergency Room.
Here are some resources related to the show 13 Reasons Why to help students and parents know the real (non-fiction for TV look) impact of suicide and this show.
JED: What viewers should consider
Suicide Awareness Voices of Education (SAVE) and JED Talking Points
National Association of School Psychologists have information for educators, families and students
Save a friend: Tips for teens to prevent suicide
Suicide risk factors and warning signs
Voices: How "13 Reasons Why" gets suicide wrong
Nationwide Children's Hospital: Should Parents be Concerned with this Netflix Series?
How to talk with your teen about 13 Reasons Why
Why teen mental health experts are focused on 13 Reasons Why
And, before I close, how about I give you 13 reasons why NOT to die by suicide?
1. Your family and friends need you in their lives
2. Your teachers, counselor and school community needs the impact that you bring
3. You have a bright future ahead full of possibility
4. You can help advocate for the importance of appropriate mental health services
5. There is help available to you - suicide is preventable
6. All of the little moments in nature you don't want to miss out on - beautiful sunsets, catching snowflakes on your tongue, the smell of a campfire burning, seeing a shooting star, enjoying a thunderstorm, etc.
7. The hope that things will change and it will not always feel like this
8. You have a purpose
9. You aren't alone even when you feel as if you are
10. You are more than whispers, rumors, lies or cruel attacks
11. You deserve your own love, pride, affection and belief in yourself
12. Someone else needs you
13. You matter and you make a difference!
Thank you. :-)
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